Head vs. Heart

Our Bud is going back to Tennessee next week…and it hurts, it already hurts and he hasn’t even left yet. He may not be my flesh and blood but he is definitely a part of me and who I am. I keep trying to prepare myself for the void that is about to come but I can’t seem to wrap my heart around it, but then again my head and my heart have never been capable of working together. My head tells me to get ready, to try to remember the times when he’s not here and that the sun does still come up…but my heart says, “It’s different this time.” No more monthly furloughs, school is starting and he is growing up…so many days between visits, so many missed memories, there and here. It’s been many years since my heart has grieved like this and yet it always seems to be over a boy named Andrew.

I know that Drew and I will be becoming very familiar with Tennessee over the next umpteen years and I know that the holidays will mean more to us now than they ever have…my head tries to soothe my heart by bringing these thoughts to mind over and over again. But then my heart counters with the feeling of his hand in mine or how I feel when his little voice says “I need to tell you somefing…I love you.” My heart reminds me that for the last 2 months I haven’t left the house without giving him a kiss while he sleeps, it reminds me that I’ve watched the same Ice Age movie 20 times in the last two days and loved every minute of it, if reminds me that I wouldn’t do this for just any kid…but only for a kid I love as my own.

And this is where I falter and my head goes on the defensive, “Why put yourself through the pain? Why did you make this choice? This is the life YOU chose.” And while my heart is barely treading the waters of self pity, somehow it always finds its optimistic voice and I see a slideshow of memories: the first time I realized I loved Drew, letting Drew go, growing on my own, the pride in Drew’s voice the day Andrew was born, the first time I held little Andrew, the first time I realized Drew loved me, the first time little Andrew told me he loved me, the Christmas morning Drew asked me to marry him, the first time my Dad hugged Drew, the first time my parents met little Andrew, the 100,000th time Andrew told me he loved me- I look at my two Andrews, who mean so much to me, with the same blue eyes, the same goofy ears; they catch me staring and they smile, a smile with the same Day grin…and in unison, my head and my heart think and feel, “This. This is why you chose this life, this is your past, this is your future…and yes the pain was, is, and will be worth it.”